Eco-Terrorist Group Infiltrates PC Gaming Industry


URBANA, IL (AP) - While picking their way through their delicious, nutritious dinner in the cafeteria of Allen residence hall last night, three students accidentally stumbled onto a massive conspiracy involving a domestic eco-terrorist group and the popular PC gaming title "Warcraft III." Freshmen in computer science James Kalfoff and Jeff Evans and junior in ECE Richard Yolblack happened on the connection after the nightly conversation naturally progressed to the strategy game.

"I don't quite know how we drifted to the topic of eco-terrorism. I mean, I was just telling Jeff about what a conceited bastard of a Scotsman that 'Tillerman' guy on Battle.net is, and out of nowhere he blurts out something about the Earth Liberation Front," said Kalfoff after consuming his sixth bowl of Lucky Charms. He went on to mutter something about Evans's poor taste in cheese.

"I'll admit the whole ELF thing was a bit of a tangent," remarked Evans, "but it ended up paying off, big time. The connection we found is crucial to bringing these guys down, so that we can open up the entire northwestern United States to massive logging operations and chemical dumping projects without fear of retribution from the unusually violent tree-huggers."

"Once Jeff made some observation about the ever-increasing amount of frivolous green crap they put in the tuna looking like a Night Elf Ancient of War being built, I could see the synapses in James's brain firing a mile-a-minute. Well, what was left of them after the physics 112 exam, anyway," noted Yolblack. "Then his eyes got really big, and I knew he was onto something."

"The acronym for the Earth Liberation Front is ELF. And there is a race in Warcraft III called the Night Elf. I guess you could say I put two and two together, and got five (for extremely large values of two)," explained Kalfoff with a chuckle, prompting his two companions to roll their eyes. "The connection is so blatantly obvious. I mean, come on, one of the huntress's lines is 'For the trees!' They [the Night Elves] go around razing bulidings with their primitive weapons, just like the ELF. And although the ELF hasn't yet been able to convince trees in real life to uproot themselves and start beating the crap out of their enemies, I wouldn't be surprised if they're working on it right now," he continued as he peered suspiciously out the bay window, before standing up and getting in the serving line again for the thirty-seventh time.

Evans and Yolblack agreed that the prospect of thundering trees, each capable of doing up to 67 points of damage when fully upgraded was frightening. "Some of these trees only cost a couple hundred gold pieces to build, plus a few measley piles of lumber. There is no doubt in my mind that the ELF has access to enough resources to build hundreds if not thousands of these trees, and use this dark, deciduous army to conquer the earth. I mean, just look at how much damage they can do with their crappy little spike strips right now," said Yolblack with a shudder. However, drawing on his vast body of investment knowledge, Kalfoff noted that gold "isn't doing so hot right now."

The more connections the trio discovered, the more apparent it became that it was time to take action. Finally, after it was pointed out that the Night Elf hero, the Keeper of the Grove, had a rather full beard and an ability entitled "Force of Nature," Yolblack shot to his feet and marched in the direction of the nearest phone.

"Luckily, Richard has some government connections, thanks to his upcoming co-op. He knew right what to do and who to call," said Kalfoff, after he had finished downing every last ounce of orange juice in existence.

The fate of the ELF is still unknown at the time of this printing, but Attorney General John Aschroft stated, "A committee will be formed to decide whether to appoint a panel to consider delegating a task force to look into this matter further." He added that the possibility of using a lynch mob to carry out any possible action was "not out of the question."

When reached for comment, Blizzard Entertainment, developers and publishers of Warcraft III, had nothing to say except, "Beta testing. Come back later."

It was also learned that Evans had eaten his mashed potatoes too fast, and was "a little worried about having to take CS 373."